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Jokes Golf Quotes Funny

jokes golf quotes funny
jokes golf quotes funny

Golf can be frustrating. Golf can be soul-crushing. You play great for 17 holes and then hit your drive on #18 out of bounds.

Sometimes you have to laugh simply to stop crying. Does this describe your last round? Were the golf gods laughing at you?

We could all smile more while playing the game. Don’t take yourself or your next shot too seriously. We’re here to help. Below you’ll find our 150 favorite golf jokes and puns.

150 Golf Jokes And Puns

Some will make you laugh, some will make you smile, and others will make you roll your eyes. Enjoy our golf jokes and golf puns!

Short Golf Jokes & Puns

1. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it’s always possible to get worse.

2. Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early.

3. I like big putts and I cannot lie.

4. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly… or start cheating.

5. Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.

6. I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

7. Golf: a 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

8. If your opponent can’t remember if he shot a six or a seven on a hole, chances are he had an eight on it.

9. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it’s called golf.

10. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

11. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

12. Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

13. The difference between a whiff and a practice swing – no one curses after a practice swing.

14. You should always try before you buy, especially when buying a putter. Never buy a putter until you’ve seen how well you can throw it.

15. The higher the handicap of the golfer, the more likely it is that he’ll be telling you what you should be doing to fix your game.

16. Golf brings out the 3-year-old in us – we struggle to count past 5.

17. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.

18. Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play other sports.

19. Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

20. Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night? Clubbing!

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Celebrity Golf Jokes & Quotes

Golf doesn’t care if you’re famous or a professional golfer. It makes fools of us all.

21. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer 22. “While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” – Henry Youngman 23. “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” – Dean Martin

24. “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” – Hank Aaron

25. “You’ve just got one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.” – Sam Snead 26. “We learn so many things from golf – how to suffer, for instance.” – Bruce Lansky 27. “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron” – Lee Trevino 28. “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” – Bob Hope 29. “Golf is a game in which you yell four, shoot six, and write down five.” – Paul Harvey 30. “Pressure is when you play $5 a hole with only $2 in your pocket.” – Lee Trevino 31. “The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.” – Will Rogers 32. “Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.” – Jack Benny 33. “Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe” – Lee Trevino 34. “It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” – Mark Twain 35. “I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.” – Arnold Palmer 36. “If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.” – Tommy Bolt 37. “If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.” – Sam Snead 38. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” – Mickey Mantle 39. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” – Gerald Ford 40. “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” – Mark Twain 41. “Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” – Gary Player 42. “I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.” – Gerald Ford 43. “Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.” – Harvey Penick 44. “It’s alive, this swing, a living sculpture! And down through contact, always down, striking the ball crisply, with character. A tuning fork goes off in your heart and your balls.” – Roy McAvoy (Tin Cup)

45. “I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.” – Ben Hogan

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Long Golf Jokes

Some of the best golf jokes take a little more time to tell…

46. The Funeral

Two golfers are ready to tee off on the 11th hole when a Hurst and funeral procession passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the procession passes.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”

47. The 2nd Wife

A married couple is lying in bed and talking about their future.

Wife: “Babe, if I die, will you marry again?”

Husband: “Of course not.”

Wife: “I think you would.”

Husband: “Fine, I probably will.”

Wife: “Will you let her sleep in our bed?”

Husband: “Yeah, probably, I guess.”

Wife: “Would you even let her use my golf clubs?”

Husband: “No way, she is left-handed.”

48. 1st Golf Lesson

A junior golfer was at their first golf lesson when they asked a question.

“Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor.

“P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.

“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”

49. Local Rules

An American citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round and is paired with three locals. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway.

With a big smile, he asks the others, “In the States, we call that a mulligan. What do you call it here in Ireland?” After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”

50. Rules Interpretation

John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Neither man trusted the other’s scorekeeping. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob, ”What’d you have?”

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. “Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself – ” No, no…. a five.”

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!” “Eight?” Bob said, “I couldn’t have had eight.”

John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven.”

“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.

John told him, “One stroke penalty, for improving your lie.”

51. A Long Drive

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and asked, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

52. The Cheater

Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they’re short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”

Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by one stroke, but slices his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Nick.

After three minutes, neither has had any luck. Since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Nick looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!” Nick says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last three minutes!”

53. The Farmer

A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”

54. The Tree

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.

When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.

“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

55. The Caddie

A golfer was having a terrible round — 20-over par for the front nine with a bunch of balls lost in the water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.

“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.

“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”

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Knock Knock Golf Jokes

Everyone loves a good knock-knock golf joke.

56. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? I’d cry, too, if I played golf like you. 57. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Amy. Amy who? Amy for the fairway – not the woods. 58. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wendy. Wendy who? Wendy ball retriever needs a new grip, you should give up golf. 59. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dozen. Dozen who? Dozen’t anyone repair their divots anymore? 60. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harvey. Harvey who? Harvey gonna take 6 hours for this round – take your shot! 61. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? Noah golf pro who can fix your swing? 62. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda how deep your ball is in the lake. 63. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe hit one straight this time? 64. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Annie. Annie who? Annie one know how many branches your golf ball hit as it entered the woods? 65. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tahiti. Tahiti who? Tahiti hole in one, you need to hit the golf ball straight. 66. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Andy. Andy who? Andy to have a water golf ball retriever for the round with you!

Golf Jokes For Ladies

67. Anniversary Gift

Nick was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. Molly, his wife, told him, ‘Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat.’

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for Nick have been set for Saturday at his favorite golf course.

68. Couple Golf

Alex and Jim are trying to get in a quick 18 holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

Alex comments to Jim, ‘Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?’ Jim gets about halfway there, turns, and comes back so Alex asks, ‘What’s wrong?’

Jim replies, ‘One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.’ Alex responds, ‘That could be a problem. I’ll go over and have a word.’

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. So Jim says, ‘What’s wrong?’

Alex murmurs, ‘Small world.’

69. The Dentist

Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office. Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today’s Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already… “

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it, Sir?”

Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him, dear…….”

70. The Worms

The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient, player. At each swipe she made at the ball, Earth flew in all directions.

“Gracious me,” she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, “the worms will think there’s an earthquake.”

“I don’t know,” replied the caddie, “the worms round here are very clever. I’ll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety.”

71. Golf Handicap

He was a smooth operator, and at the club’s annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her.

“You know, they’re all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?”

“Well, where do you want me to start ?” came the quick response.

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Golf Pick-up Lines

We are pretty confident none of these will work in the 19th hole.

72. Are you sure you aren’t all four majors? Because you’d be a grand slam! 73. How about grabbing two of your friends so we can play a foursome? 74. Your putt looks great in those jeans. 75. So what’s it gonna be today: Stroke Play or Skins? 76. Are you looking for the fairway? Because coming back to my hotel is the only fair way for this evening to go. 77. I’m still working on my approach, but I think I have a pretty good swing. 78. I’m like the U.S. Open… hard and long!

Dirty Golf Jokes

Not too dirty – let’s call them PG-13.

79. The Wager

Matt and Jimmy were playing their home course. Matt putted out and walked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Matt suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.

The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner’s bare rear end was too much for the group playing behind the twosome. The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: “What was the bet?”

80. Bad Language

Steve had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” he said in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”

“I guess not,” said Steve, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”

81. Drag Harry

Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.

He answered, “Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!”

82. Be Honest

A couple has just gotten married. As they are retreating to the bedroom for the first time, the husband looks deeply into his wife’s eyes.

“Honey, I’ve got something to tell you. I haven’t been completely honest. I am a golfing addict and every chance I get I’m going to go and have a round.”

“OK,” said his wife. “As we are confessing, I haven’t been completely honest with you, either. I’m a hooker.”

“That’s OK,” said the husband. “You’ve just gotta make sure you keep your left arm straight and your head down longer.”

83. The Dishes

Rick and John have just finished an arduous round of golf.

“Rick,” says John, “you didn’t seem the same on the course today. Is everything alright at home?”

“Not really,” says Rick. “I think my wife Sharon might be dead.”

“What do you mean you ‘think’ she’s dead? Isn’t it obvious whether or not she is still alive?”

“Well,” said Rick. “I’m not too sure. The sex is the same as always, but the dishes are starting to pile up.”

84. Right Or Left-Handed?

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, “Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?”

They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven.”

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “Sure, I’ll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7.”

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, “how do you know if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

She said “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his penis is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it’s pointed to the left, I golf left-handed.”

A guy asked “what if it’s pointed straight up?”

She said, “Then I’ll be here at nine o’clock.”

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More Short Golf Jokes & Puns

Time to get back to the quick golf zingers!

85. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. 86. In golf, you can hit a 2-acre fairway 10-percent of the time, but hit a 2-inch branch 90-percent of the time. 87. The game of golf is 90-percent mental and 10-percent mental. 88. Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf. Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh? 89. Golfer: That can’t be my ball, it looks too old. Caddie: It’s been a long time since we started. 90. A good golf partner is one who’s always a little bit worse than you are. 91. A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well. 92. Golf is an odd game! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks 93. What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf? “It’s still your turn!” 94. It takes a serious amount of balls to golf like I do. 95. What does a golfer like to hear from his wife? “Talk birdie to me.” 96. Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf? On a golf corpse. 97. Why was Cinderella such a terrible golfer? Her coach was a pumpkin. 98. Golf: A seven-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. 99. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh. 100. The worst day on the course is better than your best day in the office. 101. What did you get on your last hole? Depressed! 102. What did Master Yoda say when Luke sliced the ball onto the next fairway over? “May the ‘Fores’ be with you…” 103. “My doctor told me I can’t play golf.” — “Oh, when did he play with you?” 104. What’s the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? A guy will spend 10 minutes trying to find his lost golf ball. 105. What’s one tip all golfers should follow to improve their game? Go back in time and start playing at a younger age. 106. Why didn’t the golfer finish his homework? He couldn’t stop puttzing around! 107. The most redundant thing on a golf course is a ball-washer on a hole with water hazards. 108. What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? “Tryna catch me ridin’ birdie!” 109. Why don’t grasshoppers play golf? They like cricket better. 110. Why does the temperature on the course rise after a long tournament ends? All the fans are gone! 111. “My wife said I play so much golf it’s driving a wedge between us.” 112. “I came home to my wife in lingerie… she said I could tie her up and do whatever I wanted. So I tied her to the chair and went to the driving range.” 113. Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? All of them…. the flag can’t jump… 114. I told my buddy I got a new set of clubs for my wife. He said, “Sounds like a good trade!” 115. Why are computers such naturally good golfers? They have a hard drive. 116. Why do golfers hate cake? Because they might get a slice. 117. The problem with your game is your loft. My loft? Lack Of Freaking Talent. 118. Golfer: Hey do you know where they are building that new Walmart? Buddy: No, where? Golfer: Between my drive and yours. 119. I’m not over the hill. I’m just on the back nine. 120. Golfers aren’t happy unless they’re teed off! 121. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive. 122. If you golf on election day, be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot. 123. Golf forth, and prosper. 124. Careful there, putter fingers. 125. A land par, par away. 126. What did the golfer say to the hip-hop dancer? Every day I’m Schauffele. 127. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. 128. What do you call a lion playing golf? Roarin’ Mcllroy 129. Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course? He was perfecting his swing. 130. I hate golf courses with too many trees, I go to great links to avoid them. 131. Did you hear that Subway is opening a mini-golf course at some of their restaurants? I tried it out, but it wasn’t very good. It was sub-par. 132. When golfers make golf jokes – Are they just meta-fores? 133. Who’s the best person at the golf course to get to make coffee? The groundskeeper! 134. How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE! 135. I’m not a bad putter, I just can’t catch a break. 136. What type of golf game did the fur traders play in the old days? A skins match. 137. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight. 138. Golfer A: I played World War II golf—out in 39 and home in 45. Golfer B: I played Civil War golf—out in 61 and home in 65. 139. Bad? I’ll tell you how bad he is. In his bag he carries flares, a compass and emergency rations. 140. The way he plays they should put the flags on the greens at half-mast. 141. It seems to me that at times the hardest thing about golf is being allowed out of the house to play it. 142. It’s a strange world isn’t it? You hire someone to mow your lawn, so that you’ll have time to play golf for the exercise. 143. He’s too fat to play. If he places the ball where he can hit it, he can’t see it. If he places it where he can see it, he can’t hit it. 144. Real golfers have two handicaps: one for braggin’ and one for bettin’. 145. Real golfers don’t cry when they line up their fourth putt. 146. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, it’s distracting! Caddie: This isn’t a watch, ma’am, it’s a compass. 147. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes: WHACK…”Damn!” A bad Skydiver goes: “Damn!”…WHACK. 148. How’s golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration. 149. I’ve seen better swings on a porch. 150. That was a really good shot ……………………..for you!!

Did You Laugh Out Loud?

Not all golf jokes are funny, but we hope a few of them brought a smile to your face. It’s funny how seriously we take this silly game sometimes. Learn to laugh at your bad shots and you’ll start to enjoy this great game even more.

Do you have a favorite golf joke or golf pun that we missed? We’d love to hear it.